Where Many Paths and Errands Meet

Tolkien in the New Yorker

2011-12-07T12:01:00.006-05:00

In a shocking development, a critic from the New Yorker sniffs his nose at Tolkien and declares him boring and his entire oeuvre passe. Philip Larkin said so, apparently. Now, do you see any critics writing long, pointless pieces about the lack of dwarves in Kingsley Amis novels? Yet Gopnik writes thousands of words complaining that Tolkien's books aren't modern enough (among other failings). Never mind the students who enjoyed his courses, or the countless millions around the world who love his work.

Rather than refute the essay point by point (someone else already did a great job of that), I'll instead link to one of my favorite essays about Tolkien, written by Gene Wolfe. It's a piece that speaks to the joy and wonder of reading fantasy. In one section he writes about Tolkien imitators, and has this to say:

I have shown you, I hope, what these books have meant to me. If you find echoes of them in my own books and stories (and particularly in The Wizard Knight, with which I have struggled for the past year) you will not have discomfited me -- I am proud of them. Terry Brooks has often been disparaged for imitating Tolkien, particularly by those reviewers who find his books inferior to Tolkien's own. I can say only that I wish there were more imitators -- we need them -- and that all imitations of so great an original must necessarily be inferior.

Say It Ain't So, Jose!

2011-12-05T11:18:00.009-05:00

Hard to register my utter disgust with the Mets after they let Jose Reyes go to the Marlins. Remember when they traded Tom Seaver in 1977? I don't, but this is almost as terrible as that. As bad as when Strawberry left for the Dodgers. Say what you want about the length of the contract and the money. Yes it was too many years (6), and too much money ($106 million). Sure he gets hurt sometimes.

But can you imagine the Yankees doing this? What reason can the Wilpons possibly give for letting their best player walk away without even offering a contract? The Mets play in the most expensive market in sports. NEW YORK CITY. Not Kansas City, or Baltimore, or Cincinnati. They charge some of the highest ticket prices in the entire sport! If they can't afford to pay Jose Reyes or anyone else they should SELL THE TEAM.

Of course they will say the standard things they always say about remaining competitive and smart spending. They lost $70 million last year, Sandy Alderson said yesterday. I must say Sandy has excellent skill sets, and is the perfect corporate toady, with his potato face, thinning hair and serious, military tone of voice. He and the Wilpons insult your intelligence if you're a Met fan. They are liars, pure and simple.

Reyes is gone because the Wilpons do not have the money to be baseball owners. The Madoff suit is still not settled, and they still may lose the team, but will hang on to the bitter end. In the meantime they will gut the team and spend as little money as possible, because they don't have it to spend. There is no other believable way to spin this horrorshow.

This is no rebuild, Met fans. If the Wilpons do not sell, expect the Kansas City Royals of the National League for years to come. The Mets are entering a new era, one that resembles the mid-70s. Expect another AAA season in 2012. I hope the stadium is empty next year and Reyes wins multiple batting and stolen base titles in Florida. He's a great player and like all Met fans I'm sorry to see him go.

Aelfwine, or Eriol

2011-07-06T21:13:00.004-04:00

I never read many of the Histories of Middle Earth, but in looking at the Book of Lost Tales today, I discovered that a character named Aelfwine, (he was Eriol to the Elves) is called the author in some early versions of the tales. The framing device is interesting and very different from the later versions, even if it does seem a bit cumbersome at times. Eriol, we're told, was a man from England who sailed with some difficulty to Tol Eressea, and later had sons, Hengest and Horsa. In my Old English class we learned about these two soldiers, and how they spoke of 'the worthlessness of the Britons, and the richness of the land' in asking for aid to be sent to them.

Interesting how Tolkien had this framing device early on and later dropped it totally; the tale I read was originally written in 1917, the Silmarillion version decades later. The Tale of Tinuviel is told entirely by a woman named Veanne. In the introduction to the story she talks with Eriol, who is recounting the tale of his sea voyage to Tol Eressea. The history is richly detailed and it's interesting to read the stories in their early forms. The attention to detail is pretty incredible and somewhat daunting, but it's what makes Middle-Earth seem so real. The Tale of Tinuviel later became the story of Beren and Luthien, which you probably know from the Silmarillion. Aragorn talks about it a bit in the Lord of the Rings and it gets mentioned in the movies too. Next I'm going to read the Lay of Leithian, yet another version of the Beren and Luthien tale, and try to compare it to the ones I've already read.

So if there's a lesson here it's that you can't pay too much attention to details, and you should rewrite until you get the story the way you want it. Like Tolkien said, this one grew in the telling.

Hope Springs Eternal?

2011-04-01T11:49:00.004-04:00

A new season is upon us. Will be interesting to see what Terry Collins has in mind. I have such low expectations that it will be hard to disappoint this year. Nonetheless, it could get late early around here especially if Wilpon's tragilarious financial situation gets any worse.

So I'll ignore the freezing rain and wind and the fact that seats at the corporate wonderland park are reduced to just $400 this year if you want to sit up close and personal, where you can actually see players and hear real live baseball sounds. I'll forget Beltran's creaky knees and Santana's bad arm and Rodriguez' incredible stupidity and Bay's inability to ever be healthy and look on the bright side. Wright should be good, so should Reyes and Pagan and Davis, and the pitching might be decent. Lucas Duda is just 25 and if he keeps it up, in a few years there's a good chance he'll be 30.

I don't watch games anymore except in person, and then only if I can pay face value (or less) and without extra fees. I listen on the radio, and below is my letter to the Mets stating why. It's hard to believe that at one time you could watch every game for free on channel 9.

I've been a Met fan my whole life. A few years ago I decided I'd had enough of Time Warner's thievery, and stopped paying $100 a month for basic cable, which is the only way to get SNY. The cable companies hold fans hostage, forcing us to subscribe to hundreds of channels we won't watch and don't want in order to see our favorite teams play. I, like many others, would gladly pay for MLB.tv or some other service if the absurd blackout rules were removed. Until then I'm happy to listen to Howie Rose on the radio. Please consider offering a package for games that doesn't require a subscription to cable tv.

I'm certain this strongly worded missive will make the Mets and MLB cave THIS YEAR! Such is the power of the written word! Now play ball! It's been a long winter.

Bob Dylan

2010-11-24T05:52:00.005-05:00

Bob Dylan was in really good form last night at Terminal 5. His voice was rather rough during the first couple of songs, but he warmed up considerably after that. He was more animated than I've seen him recently (often taking center stage), and his band was extremely sharp. Charlie Sexton is awesome and Dylan even played lead a few times, which I hadn't seen him do for awhile. Much better than the show I saw at the United Palace a couple of years ago.

We were treated to some excellent songs, including This Wheel's on Fire, Things Have Changed, Simple Twist of Fate, Hard Rain, High Water, Masters of War, and Ballad of a Thin Man. Workingman's Blues was a real highlight for me, understated and powerful. "They say low wages are reality if we wanna compete abroad," Dylan sang. Something about this song sounds really mournful and emotional; he can still connect with an audience and write stuff that has the strength of his old songs. Not an easy trick, but he makes it look that way.

All in all a fun night and worth seeing him if you get the chance. The venue is not the greatest, best to get there early as it is packed to the rafters. Crowd was pretty good for the most part, a little weirdness with some fighting near us but otherwise they were into the show.

NoFo? Really?

2010-06-24T11:18:00.006-04:00

Now, I know I moved away from the East End a long time ago, in 1997, back in the days when the Riverhead Best Buy was just a gleam in the eye of some greedy developer. But I've gone back there pretty regularly every year since then, and seem to have missed the transformation of this sleepy area. Marketers and real estate people are now apparently calling it NOFO. As in no effin' way.

This is kind of like how real estate people in NY called the area north of Houston St. NoHo, or the area near the Manhattan bridge Dumbo, which I thought was a joke when I first heard it. When I lived in Inwood there was an attempt to call this underwhelming, trash-strewn area NoMa, but it was quickly discovered that people wouldn't pay $600,000 for a one bedroom that is so far north you might as well be living in the Bronx.

But back to NoFo. The North Fork. I'm saddened to think my homeland is changing to an all-scum-all-the-time demographic. I somehow doubt it will, since there are no ocean beaches and you aren't likely to see any obscenely wealthy people or celebrities strutting around Main St. in Cutchogue. It's more likely you'll get hit by an old rusty Chevy crossing route 25, or loudly berated by a drunkard in Greenport village.

Take it from someone who grew up there. The North Fork is a terrible place you should stay away from. The people are all rude, Deliverance-style hicks, there's nothing to do except stare out the window, and them people don't cotton' to rich folk or out-of towners.

Mr. Met says his team is unbeatable at the new Shea Stadium

2010-06-23T10:00:00.006-04:00

This picture speaks for itself. If a creepy, hydrocephalic potential child abductor is the centerpiece of your team's "Hall of Fame," you're in trouble.

What is this strange object? Met fans wonder. This golden, shining symbol must have some incredible import. Perhaps it went to the victor of some forgotten gladiatorial contest, now obscured by the mists of time. Perhaps the race of giants who created it attached some religious significance to its flags and pins and wondrous splendor. Who can say?

Jeff Wilpon says: "The only way Met fans will see a World Series trophy is when it's viewed as an historic artifact, like some ancient alien relic from across the aeons."

In other news, the Mets are one of the hottest teams in baseball and against all odds are hanging in there as we near the end of June. They won 14-6 last night in a soggy contest against Detroit.

Do you believe in miracles? R.A. Dickey and Angel Pagan do.

If It Was My Home - Visualizing the BP Oil Disaster

2010-06-07T15:48:00.000-04:00

If It Was My Home - Visualizing the BP Oil Disaster

End of the Semester

2010-05-24T10:11:00.010-04:00

Finished with the semester, finally. Got my papers in and done and glad to have a break from going to class. Two courses is a bit much in addition to work, so I'll likely just do one from now on.

My Tristan course was a lot of fun. Our professor, Paul Oppenheimer, is a really great guy. His lectures are always interesting--he should be doing this on TV or something so everyone can benefit. Every session I brought some new piece of knowledge away. He was also very generous with his time. Helpful to students and cares about their work, which has been rare in my graduate school experience. Hope I have the chance to work with him again.

The other course, a writing workshop, was a mixed bag. My classmates were a nice bunch and I wish them all well. My professor was an adjunct and seemed constantly harried. He was late every time. Sometimes he read stories just before, or in class, and didn't always give me written critiques. Writing workshops are hit-or-miss affairs. Platitudes abound: I didn't like this because it was too ______. It should be more like Avatar. I think we have a slippage in narrative.

Then there are the inevitable and unhelpful comparisons. This is just like a story Joyce wrote. F. Scott Fitzgerald did a story like this. David Foster Wallace too. You should read him. Maybe so, but that doesn't tell me much about the piece we're discussing now.

Problems in the writing were rarely if ever addressed. People turned in stories with serious grammar and syntax problems that were never mentioned at all. Story development was hardly ever talked about.

I think what these courses teach you is to have a thick skin, to have a cold eye toward your own work, and to read closely. The most important thing a writer can do to improve (aside from writing) is read constantly and widely. If you like science fiction and want to write it, you still should read Faulkner and Jane Austen and all the classics you can get your hands on to see how it's done. Beyond that, hearing people critique your stuff can be interesting, but I am not sure how much you can trust a bunch of unpublished writers, many of whom view the workshop as a competition. There were good critiques with the bad, but you have to be able to sort them out and believe in what you're doing instead of writing based on sixteen different opinions.

All in all it was a bit exhausting, and I'm glad it's done.

Can we DFA Omar and Jerry Manuel?

2010-05-15T16:23:00.004-04:00

Only the NY Mets would try to bat Jose Reyes third.

When told he'd be batting first again after a failed three week experiment, he said:

“It feels like I’m going home to see my family.”

The Mets like to make their star players feel uncomfortable. Remember when they moved him to 2nd base for Kaz Matsui?

Oliver Perez continues to impress and is returning huge dividends on his $36 million contract. He has almost as many walks (28) as innnings pitched (33). If walks were a good thing for a pitcher, he'd be the best arm in all of baseball. Of course, they keep saying he's 'making progress,' a euphemism which in Mets code means he pitched four innings instead of two during his last start. They stick with him because to completely write him off would be admitting that Omar is a total disaster as a GM.

I have a feeling they're about to invent another injury for Oliver and send him down to AAA, like last year. When do we get to designate Omar and Jerry Manuel for assignment?

Ike Davis!

2010-04-30T06:36:00.000-04:00

From http://elifrombrooklyn.blogspot.com/2010/04/i-like-my-job.html. Great image!

Fun Things this week

2010-04-27T12:32:00.005-04:00

1) My landlord decided that 8am on a Saturday was the perfect time to start sanding and varnishing the floors above us. When I complained she said she'd already notified me. She had, but what she said in her email was that it would all be done between 9 and 5, during the week. She also never mentioned the toxic fumes from the polyurethane, which made us nauseous and gave us headaches. I wouldn't let the issue drop and finally got a rent reduction this month. Note to tenants: don't let your landlord get away with bullshit like this.

2) Same landlord has not turned on the heat for weeks. That one 90 degree day we had in early April doesn't make it alright to shut it off completely. The rest of the month it's been in the low 40s at night. Once again, don't let your landlord get away with this kind of cheap-ass maneuver. The heat is back on after another back-and-forth.

3) In a separate, but equally annoying issue, I have a bunch of stories out in limbo, which is par for the course. I just got a letter for a story I sent out 18 months ago and had almost forgotten about. They were rejecting it, and it only took them a year and a half to come to that decision. I should look on the bright side: at least they responded at all. Some places don't even do you that small courtesy.

Break Up the Mets

2010-04-24T08:14:00.003-04:00

8-9 and looking better than expected. So maybe I'm wrong about how badly they're constructed. I hope so. The pitching (especially Pelfrey) has done much better than I'd hoped, and Ike Davis has been a nice surprise this week.

Then again, 3 of those 8 wins were against the Cubs. It's still so early, but I can't see the Mets as anything more than mediocre yet. Let's see where they stand in a few weeks, but this week at least has been fun.

No matter what happens, if this team ends up doing well it will be in spite of the incompetent management of Minaya and Wilpon, who are so terrible at what they do it defies reason. No matter what the team does the fans still deserve better than them.

The NY Mets: Owned and Managed by Drooling Cretins

2010-03-28T15:36:00.004-04:00

Omar Minaya, in the NY Times:

"There’s a quiet, subtle, ‘O.K., let’s see what happens.’ Right now, that’s working for us. The expectations are supposed to be not great. But we know, from the baseball side, that we’re a good team.”

Really, Omar? A quiet, subtle, 'let's see what happens' is the best you can do? After five years on the job? With the biggest payroll in baseball except for the Yankees? You just roll the dice again and hope for the best?

The expectations are not great? Not with all that $150 million in payroll money? Not with three losers in the middle of the rotation named Maine, Perez, and Pelfrey?

You know you're a good team, eh? From the 92 losses last year? Is that how you know?

The man is a bumbling fool who should not be running a quickie mart. The Wilpons have no ability to be embarrassed, I guess, kind of like Will Farrell in 'Old School.' They are a joke. This team is going to be mediocre at best, and things could get ugly very quickly. I give them until Memorial Day to prove me wrong, but they won't. This team isn't any good, have shown nothing since September 2007 except empty promise and chatter. They get called choke artists by their biggest rivals and meekly give up to them every single time rather than put up a decent fight. Any number of Met fans could do a better job than Omar.

If there is any bright spot in the coming season, maybe it is that we can hope they finish at .500 this year. We can hope that little Jeffy Wilpon gets a clue and fires Minaya or maybe goes bankrupt and sells the team to someone with brains and business sense.

The Democratic Party is Owned by Corporations

2010-03-22T17:21:00.003-04:00

From Chris Hedges today:

The press, including papers such as The New York Times, treats single payer as a fringe movement. The television networks rarely mention it. And yet between 45 and 60 percent of doctors favor single payer. Between 40 and 62 percent of the American people, including 80 percent of registered Democrats, want universal, single-payer not-for-profit health care for all Americans. The ability of the corporations to discredit and silence voices that represent at least half of the population is another sad testament to the power of our corporate state to frame all discussions.

Yet Democrats hail their passage of this legislation as if they are some kind of freedom fighters. Sickening.

Viking Warrior, Unwilling Wife

2010-03-11T09:29:00.004-05:00

I saw someone reading this awesomely titled book on the subway this morning:

I dunno, she really doesn't look that unwilling. That Viking is certainly quite a warrior, and a dreamboat too. Though I'm not sure what the locale is. You usally don't see Viking warriors wearing so little, what with the brutal Nordic winters and all.

Also overheard: "I could lecture you about the myth of American exceptionalism for two hours."
And as I cringed and recoiled in horror, all I could think was, please, for the love of God, don't. Whatever terrible things I may have done in my life, surely I can pay for it in some other way.

Ice Dancing???

2010-02-22T14:59:00.002-05:00

Is it any wonder NBC lags behind every other major network in literally every single kind of programming? They decided last night to show ICE DANCING and BOBSLEDDING for four hours while the US hockey team played Canada on, get this...MSNBC. No one even knows that channel exists. I think Keith Olberman or whatever his name is sits and shouts at the camera over there every night, pretending to know things about politics when really he just knows how to shout. And basketball. I think he knows something about that, but he and NBC think he's a latter day Edward R Murrow. Dick Ebersol, the arrogant fool who runs the sports department, explained the move by saying that no one in the US likes hockey and they wanted good ratings. Right, and people love ice dancing.

After such a ridiculous move I am glad the network is losing tens of millions every day at the olympics and hope they get taken over by the Food Network once the whole thing is over.

Avatarred

2010-02-21T08:20:00.003-05:00

Dear James Cameron,

My wife and I were the last two humans alive who hadn't seen Avatar, mainly because I had trouble scheduling enough days off. 937 hours is a long running time, but we finally managed to coordinate our schedules, and got tickets for it in IMAX. We strapped ourselves into the full body suit VR contraptions, paid our $500 each, and WOW! WHAT A RIDE! I am impressed with your visual sense, sir. But I have some questions about the story, as you will see below.

1) Why didn't James Fenimore Cooper get a writing credit? Or at least a wink and a nod.

2) I'm glad the white guy led the natives to victory, but the blue guys seemed a little too eager to let him do everything for them. Still, he was a white guy so I guess I understand. I liked the Indian music you played when they were on screen. It helped me know when to feel I was in the presence of SACRED HOLY WISE NATIVE PEOPLE who LOVE ALL LIVING THINGS!!!!

3) When Jesus saved everyone at the end it was pretty cool, but why did Jesus care that the guys in helicopters were cutting down the forest?

4) Was the script written by a kindergarten class, or for one, or both?

5) I liked the movie but I feel 937 hours is a little too long. Maybe if the training sequences only lasted 420 hours, it would give you more time for character development (by which I mean big explosions.)

6) How come after the blue guys were decimated by missiles and machine gun fire, they gathered around the Jesus tree to save Sigourney Weaver instead of just being upset that the humans had killed their Life tree and ten thousand of their friends?

7) I would like to see more of Colonel Ironjaw and his HATRED OF ALL LIVING THINGS. What is his backstory? Did a robot give birth to him while raping the Earth?

I have more questions, but maybe you can answer these ones first. Feel free to use the comments section of this blog or email me directly when you have time.

AVATAR ROCKKKKKKS! GREATEST MOVIE EVARRRRRR! THE BLUE CAT GUYS ARE THE BESTEST!!

Worst opening Ceremonies Ever

2010-02-13T08:15:00.007-05:00

...as comic book guy might say. Wow, that was sad and weird. Punk rock whirling dervishes and Bryan Adams singing some horrific song. Capped off by a morbidly obese honky slam poet who read an unlistenable, unreadable screed in which he kept saying 'We are more than maple syrup. We say please and thank you." (He looked a bit like comic book guy, without all the charm). Wow. So deep, man. That's what I call good writin'. The dude listed dozens of tired cliches and kept saying, hey, we're more than these boring, hackneyed phrases. Good for you.

Seriously, was that guy the best they could do? Canada has produced dozens of fantastic writers, and they pick him to represent them? The whole thing was almost depressing.

The creepiest and weirdest thing was the 'We are the world' update. This video was so terrible it cannot be parodied, since any parody could not be as strange and hilariously bad as the real thing. The song was self-righteous and awful 25 years ago and is no less so now. Watching millionaire celebrities wail about dying kids is as horrible as it gets. And Michael Jackson singing about children (perhaps trying to molest them from beyond the grave) was incredibly inappropriate and bizarre. I don't think the games could get any worse after last night.

Il Trittico review

2010-02-10T09:28:00.002-05:00

Green Man recently posted my review of Il Trittico from the Met. They gave it an excellence in writing award, which was not expected and nice of them.

"God isn't through with me yet."

2010-02-10T07:47:00.002-05:00

So says state senator Hiram Monseratte, whom you might recall from the savage beating he dealt his girlfriend over a year ago. Apparently (like most politicians) he has no sense of shame or human dignity, so he's fighting his expulsion from the state senate.

He acts like he's a freedom fighter and says Jesus is using him to do something (who knows what). He claims it's all racially charged, but the facts are simple. He beat and cut his girlfirend, was convicted of some lesser charges. he should probably be castrated, but instead NY let him serve in his post until yesterday.

He's right, it is a racial issue. We're talking about the human race here, and after his actions I don't know if he qualifies anymore. Good riddance.

Corporations are not People

2010-01-23T13:26:00.002-05:00

The Best Democracy Money Can Buy

2010-01-23T12:40:00.009-05:00

The recent ruling by the Supreme Court that says corporations are people and can spend as much as they want on whichever candidates they want has staggering implications for what remains of our democracy. These companies have no allegiance to the American people or the government. Their only concern is profit. Nader's essay on this is important to read.

As he said when I saw him on the campaign trail in 2008, do we want a country of the people, by the people, and for the people? Or of the Exxon Mobils, by the Blackwaters, and for the Citigroups? Because this is where we are headed, like it or not. Eventually companies will just run their own employees for every office and fund them with virtually limitless budgets. Unconscionable, unbelievable, just staggering that this is the world we're living in. For more than a generation we have had presidential puppets of big industry (Eisenhower was quite worried about this). Now we'll essentially cut out the middleman and have direct corporate control over our lives.

Watch the Free Speech For People Video above. Petitions and ways to get involved are linked from there and the Nader page.

New Titus novel

2010-01-22T13:24:00.003-05:00

Very interesting article below. Mervyn Peake's wife wrote an additional Titus book and now, more than 40 years later, their son found it in an attic.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/booknews/6988490/New-Gormenghast-novel-found-in-attic.html

I loved these books when I read them a few years back and am really curious to see what this one will be like.

4 Weeks Until Pitchers and Catchers Report

2010-01-20T12:23:00.004-05:00

Yesterday in the mail, I received a framed photo of opening day 2009 at Citi Field from the Mets. It came as a total surprise, a gesture of thanks and marketing acumen hertofore unseen in the annals of Metropolitan front-office incompetence. It is funny; at least management is trying to win fans back. At the very least, they know people are angry even if they still can't figure out why.

It felt sort of like when you have a falling out with a friend who has let you down for the LAST TIME, dammit! And then that friend sends you a picture or letter or something. Yeah, we've had some great times with the Mets, I thought. They're not so bad, even if they don't know how to play baseball.

In other news, I was very happy the Mets didn't sign Bengie Molina, the heavyset 35 year old catcher who was apparently demanding two or three guaranteed years. Dude, you ain't no Mike Piazza, and even he broke down at 35. Let him get injured somewhere else. I like Jason Bay. Now the real problem is the fact that they have one good starting pitcher. The Beltran thing is just beyond strange, but that's another story...there is hope every spring.

Our Cat is Smarter Than Yours (and Maybe Smarter than You!)

2009-12-31T14:03:00.005-05:00

Mookie instant messaged a friend of mine yesterday while we were out. The computer makes a sound when someone IMs me-- I suspect she heard it and started playing with the keyboard. Will 2010 be the year Mookie learns to walk on her hind legs, speak like a human, and write intelligibly? I hope so, because then maybe she can get a job and start earning her keep around here!

Sherlock Holmes for Mentally Handicapped People

2009-12-28T21:30:00.005-05:00

In the new Sherlock Holmes movie, Robert Downey Jr. plays the famous detective with a laughable British accent and a penchant for bludgeoning his way out of every situation. When he is not making funny faces for the camera or looking hungover, he pretends to be smart, but is really only slightly less moronic than the cretins who surround him. When he has problems finding clues, he beats the shit out of people. When he needs extra money, he beats the shit out of people. When he's being chased or confronted, he uses his immense brainpower to beat the shit out of people.

You know, just like Sherlock Holmes always has done. He uses his big brain to attack and beat people to a pulp constantly.

Then Lord Blackwood comes along and is really mean and cruel but uninteresting in every way. He wears a leather coat around and wants to fight people and comes back from the dead and says things like, "I am Lord Blackwood and I am pure EEeeeeeeeeevvvviiiilllllllllll!!!!!! Muwuauahahahahauahua!!!!!"

The plot of this movie, such as it is, is so tedious and predictable and stupid I will not even attempt to describe it. There are lots of loud noises and screaming people and explosions and people making crude and stupid jokes that even little children will find moronic. Eventually Holmes uses his incredible powers of deduction to learn that Blackwood is not a magician but uses science to pretend that he is. Just amazing, that Holmes and his big brain.

Basically, this movie is Sherlock Holmes for retarded people. It is like many other big budget action movies in that it appears to be made by and for people with IQs below 50 who cannot read or think or do anything except sit slack-jawed and gape at a giant screen. The kind of people who clap and laugh and point in all the right places.

How dumb was the audience for this film? 15 minutes after Watson did not die in an explosion--and we learned this when an inspector shouts "Watson is still alive!"--A man behind me said, quite seriously, "Whoa! He's like, alive!"

I give this movie zero stars. Guy Ritchie, a mentally handicapped man who married Madonna, directed this film, which is really more like excrement smeared across the screen than a movie.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

2009-12-23T13:59:00.002-05:00

So I won't be posting for awhile as we relax and visit with family. Hope everyone has a great holiday and happy new year.

Christmas Greetings from the Mets!

2009-12-23T10:06:00.004-05:00

Just got a call from a Mets sales rep. about renewing my plan. I had emailed them regarding how terrible the Wilpons were and how rude the last person on the phone was and how lousy the 15 game plans are. They apologized, at least for the rudeness I experienced, which came as quite a shock. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I still won't renew, but I was able to convey over the phone a few things:

1) The Wilpons are out of touch, old-money Dodger fans who come across as having no clue why people love the Mets.

2) The seating plans as constructed are a ripoff for the average fan. No playoff guarantee, no discounts on anything, and 5 weekday games (usually in April) against teams like the Nationals.

3) No one else will renew either unless they change the plans and change direction as a franchise.

I'm just one person, but they do sound desperate for renewals. If everyone complains the way I did maybe some good might come from it.

Irish Citizen

2009-12-22T17:49:00.003-05:00

Got my letter in the mail today and I'm officially an Irish citizen! Cead mile failte!

Greatest Rejection Letter of All Time

2009-12-22T10:41:00.001-05:00

http://www.ursulakleguin.com/Reject.html

The Christmas Spirit in Park Slope

2009-12-21T10:26:00.009-05:00

So yesterday I went out in all the snow and every kid in Brooklyn had descended on Prospect Park. They were as happy as any kid could ever be, since Christmas is just a few days away and a foot of snow blanketed the little hills they were sledding down as they shouted and screamed and hollered. Their parents, well, they are another story. Most of them were scowling and muttering and annoyed as hell to be out on this fine Sunday, which was hilarious in itself.

After making the rounds I started walking home. A bespectacled, Thurston-Howell looking asshole was standing on his stoop talking to a Hispanic guy with a shovel and a kid beside him. Thurston may as well have been wearing a red velvet smoking jacket and sipping from a brandy snifter as he looked down his nose at them.

Thurston said, "Well, I'd really like my stoop cleaned. This sidewalk too."

The guy with the shovel said, "Ok, we can do for fifteen each."

"Well," Thurston frowned. "Fifteen each is just too much." Keep in mind that this cheap fucking swine lives in a Brownstone he paid probably two million dollars for.

"Will you take twenty total?"

What he wanted to say was this: "I say, Mr. Mexican man, you have some cheek indeed! Don't you know your betters?"

"OK. OK. Ok," the guy with the shovel said. He and his kid began furiously sweeping the sidewalk. I wanted to vomit. That ten bucks Thurston saved will come in handy when it's time to tip the busboy at the country club, I guess.

Why I love stubhub!!

2009-12-17T10:15:00.002-05:00

This is what they have to say about Met tickets:

Tickets to see the New York Mets were never hotter than in 1969, when the Miracle Mets won the World Series. After that unforgettable year, the Mets have had many triumphs. They even won another world championship in 1986. Recently, things are starting to look up for the New York Mets, with the addition of exciting new players. New York Mets tickets are available now, so grab them fast!

So many triumphs, yes, yes, yes! Like Mo Vaughan and Claudell Washington and Kevin Appier and, and, and, Pat Zachry and who can forget Mike Marshall and the 70 win team from last season when staff ace Nelson Figueroa tore up Binghamton before being released and then resigned all before July 4th? Not to mention Adam Rubin and that scout who tore off his shirt and challenged the AA team to FIGHT HIM!!!

Recently things are looking up indeed! With the Philly acquisition of Roy Halladay, the Mets are in position to finish fourth for many years to come! The Mets themselves have exciting pitchers such as indomitable starter John Maine, whose shoulder usually hurts very badly by early May, and pitcher Oliver Perez, whose brain can usually be located orbiting the planet Venus!

But wait, there's more! With every season ticket purchase, Met fans have the chance to try out for the team in Port St. Lucie! How AWESOME is that! Buy your chance to be a relief pitcher or maybe even LEFT FIELDER for this AMAZING baseball JUGGERNAUT!!!!

Get your seats TODAY!!! Because the Mets might win another championship sometime in the next THOUSAND YEARS AND YOU CANNOTT MISS THIS INCREDIBLE ACTION AT CITI FIELD THE GREATEST STADIUM that offers FRENCH FRIES and BURGERS and even BEER!!

MET FANS!! BUY THESE GODDAMNED SEATS OR YOU WILL FOREVER BE SORRY THAT YOU MISSED THIS OPPORTUNITY TO WATCH REAL LIVE BASEBALL!!!!

More Met Hilarity

2009-12-17T10:02:00.002-05:00

Today the Mets extended the deadline for renewals on tickets from Dec. 18 to Dec. 31. Of course this is because NO ONE is renewing. The package I had does not even guarantee playoff seats, so there is no incentive to buy. (Yes, I know there is no chance they will see the playoffs, but that was the draw for the weekend plans).

Watch them sign a bunch of nobodies over the next two weeks and pray that the renewals start rolling in. Their incompetence, arrogance and stupidity knows no bounds.

Merry Christmas, Met Fans

2009-12-16T06:28:00.005-05:00

So Halladay is a Phillie, Lackey is gone, Holliday is likely gone. The Mets go after a free-swinging power bat when they desperately need a good pitcher. They probably will not get Jason Bay, and if they do they will be paying him until he is 37.

Their solution for the pitching staff is to make a big play for Chien-Ming Wang, who you might recall from his season-ending shoulder surgery last year. The trouble here is that pitchers tend to use their shoulders while pitching. He was an ace three years ago.

Their other big hope is the perennially injured Ben Sheets, the guy who hasn't pitched in over a year. He was virtually unhittable in 2004. Well, you never know. If they sign everyone who has flamed out over the past five years and let them audition in St. Lucie, maybe they'll find the next Roy Hobbs.

The Wilpons are not going after anyone, face it. They probably don't have the money. The farm system is a wreck. The team will be bad next year, maybe worse than 2009, and they will stay that way for several years. That's how it goes when you have one good pitcher. They tried to go for it all at once, and in 2006 they had their shot. They are bad at player development, bad at negotiating contracts, bad at managing on the field and from the front office. They are laughed at by everyone who knows anything about this game of base-ball, because they have the highest payroll in the league and one of the worst teams. It has been this way for decades now, except for a brief moment when Bobby Valentine managed to get his team to win in spite of the idiocy around him.

So just lower your expectations and start partyin' like it's 1977, Met fans. Our team has five good players and management is about to offer a 3-year deal to a 35 year old catcher. Somewhere M. Donald Grant is smiling with approval.

Tao Te Ching Quote for today

2009-12-14T09:55:00.001-05:00

Fill your bowl to the brim
and it will spill.
Keep sharpening your knife
and it will blunt.
Chase after money and security
and your heart will never unclench.
Care about people's approval
and you will be their prisoner.

Do your work, then step back.
The only path to serenity.

Il Trittico at the Met, 12/5/09

2009-12-07T14:00:00.008-05:00

We went to see Il Trittico, Puccini's famous trio of one-act operas, this weekend at the Met. It was a great night, filled with incredible spectacle and beautiful music.

One of the main reasons I got the tickets was because of the famous song, "O Mio Babbino Caro," which takes place in Gianni Schicchi, the comic opera at the end. Lauretta sings this to her father after he fights with relatives over the fortune of their rich, recently deceased relative, Buoso. It's probably the most famous aria of all time, with good reason. The emotion conveyed in just a few lines is really incredible and very moving.

My wife Krissy sang this song in school, and still sings it beautifully at home. She's an artist and has a lovely voice too. I wanted us to see this, since the song always reminds me of her. You can listen to a historical version of it here.

Gianni Schicchi is third in this night of opera. Puccini apparently had Dante's Divine Comedy in mind when he wrote it. The first part, Il Tabarro, is a dramatic story about an illicit love affair that ends (as so many operas do) in murder and despair. (The Inferno). The set was amazing--a large ship and docks beside a surprisingly realistic looking bay. You could sense the rage and despair building in Michele as he slowly figures out he's being two-timed. There was a nice duet here (È ben altro il mio sogno) and the finale was gut-wrenching.

Next came Suor Angelica, the story of a nun sent away to a cloister for having a son out of wedlock. It's a tragic tale--Angelica has been waiting seven years for news of her boy, and when it comes, she finds out he's been dead for two years. She promptly kills herself, and sees a vision of the boy as she dies. This was interesting, since the Purgatorio has a lot to say about children who die without baptism, suicides, and other people who haven't quite got the souls to make it to heaven. The music in this one was great as well, but probably less memorable for me than the other two. The drama was really overwhelming, though, and I was quite moved as the sister sang of the son who never knew her. Again, the end was enough to break your heart. The set was a cloister--it was pretty amazing how quickly they changed it at intermission.

It's a good thing that the upbeat Gianni Schicchi followed all this suicide, madness, and murder. This one opened with Buoso already dead and his hypocritical family fighting over a vast fortune. It was hilarious and a nice release from the drama that came before it. And hearing that song was worth the price of admission. The lighter tone and happier outlook is what we are to take as Paradiso. 'O Mio Babbino Caro' is Lauretta pleading with her father to let her marry her beloved, Rinuccio.

Patricia Racette played the lead in all three operas, which is an unbelievable feat. She has a beautiful voice and made this a memorable night.

Next up for us will be Turandot in January. Hansel and Gretel is playing right now, which looks like an interesting holiday treat.

Mets offer pennies in savings this Christmas

2009-12-06T10:19:00.005-05:00

So I finally sat down and found my invoice from last year's seating plan. The Mets didn't lie. My invoice was less than last year.

Of course, in the papers, they were talking about 10% decreases. But I guess that is just for the $1000 seats, which will now be a paltry $900 per game, or something.

For us humans in the upper deck, the savings is so miniscule as to be an insult. Especially when you consider that the price of parking is going up; they will likely raise vendor and merchandise prices too.

So the breakdown for 15 games is amazing. The difference on the invoice is....are you ready?

$14.00

That's right, a whopping $14, or about 93 cents per game, or 46 cents per seat. That amounts to two beers at the park, or maybe one of those fancy new sammiches they sell at Blue Smoke.

Wow. It's so absurd I really have no response.

The unbelievable thing is that they're still marketing this as a savings. I spoke to one fan who said that by the end of the year he was selling his plan seats for seventy-five cents each on stubhub.

So I think I will pass on this great deal. Someone else can pay for the privilege of watching this abomination of a baseball club. Unlike Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel and lil' Jeffy Wilpon and all the awful players they have, I learn from my mistakes.

"We won the most games in the National League over the last 4 years"

2009-11-25T11:41:00.004-05:00

I think I just talked to Omar Minaya at the Met ticket office. Last year was a bump in the road, he said. No one is canceling tickets (I guess I am the only one). They are gonna have a championship-caliber team next year. Just wait. Like Willie used to say, the champagne will just be sweeter when we taste it.

Saying that they won more games over 4 years is a bit like saying the Mets scored more runs last week than anyone. The only trouble with that logic is that they won 21-2 on Sunday and lost the other six games.

I know my pal on the phone is just paid to be optimistic, but I thought I would point out that the Mets also:

Have one of the top 3-5 payrolls in baseball every year.
Have been an embarrassment the past 3 years.
Have no pitching, left fielder, catcher, 1st baseman.
Are cutting payroll.
Treat their fans like dirt.

Early Thanksgiving from the Mets

2009-11-25T07:02:00.003-05:00

So I just got my ticket plan invoice from the Mets. Despite their claims of 10% discounts, prices are the same for the promenade level, which is the only place normal humans can afford to sit. Count me out. I think I already know how this one ends.

Please sell the Mets

2009-11-21T22:55:00.002-05:00

It only took the Wilpons a year to figure out that Met fans like the Mets and not the Dodgers. Fred and Jeff are the worst owners in sports, I loathe them.

Short Story

2009-11-10T12:19:00.002-05:00

My short story, 'Honey Pie,' is in the current issue of The Foundling Review, an online journal. Take a look--there are lots of good pieces there--and let me know what you think.

Bright Star

2009-11-09T11:41:00.017-05:00

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness, -
That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees,
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green and shadows numberless
Singest of summer in full-throated ease.

Keats, "Ode to a Nightingale"

We saw the new Keats movie over the weekend. It's a sad story, of course, but the fact that his work still lives and continues to inspire so many is something to be celebrated. It's something you really should see. The recitations of his poems alone are enough to make it worthwhile.

The movie works as a period romance, and Abbie Cornish as Fanny Brawne is particularly good; petulant and strong-willed, she is the equal of the great Romantic poet. Ben Whishaw does a fine job as Keats, and is appropriately melancholy but still good-humored through much of the tragedy that unfolds. He is outdone a bit by Cornish, who is the real star of the film.

The poetry is what makes this really worth seeing, though. There are some stunning scenes of the lovers walking through the English countryside reciting some of Keats' most famous works. A dying leaf, the petal of a flower, a raindrop all become dramatic backdrop to some of the most beautiful lyrics ever written. And this is stuff that needs to be read aloud. The beauty of the language is astonishing when you hear it, no matter how well you might know it. It makes you want to go home and read more and start writing your own.

There is a fairly strange subplot involving Charles Brown, Keats' close friend who supported him through much of his poverty and illness. He is depicted as a witty yet oafish, selfish brute who is irrationally jealous of Ms. Brawne. Played by Paul Schneider, he seems a menacing figure. He tries to guide Keats to new literary heights but also seems to be angling to become his lover.

The movie also does an admirable job of helping the audience to see Keats as what he was: an ambitious, immensely talented, but fragile, and very young man. He was just twenty five when he died and is remembered as one of the greatest poets of the period. Who knows what he might have accomplished had he lived?

When we were in Rome a couple of years ago, we took some time to go to the Keats museum near the Spanish Steps. This was where the poet spent the final days of his life as tuberculosis finally took him. His death mask was there, in plaster. The image of it is still in my mind--a haunting reminder of the frailty of life.

When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high-piled books in charact'ry
Hold like rich garners the full ripen'd grain;
When I behold upon the night's starr'd face
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love;- then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink.

Keats, "When I Have Fears that I may cease to be," 1818

Boston fans sure have short memories

2009-10-12T21:32:00.003-04:00

Boy, how sad it was to see the Sawx get swept. The next time someone tells me how Boston fans are the best in all of sports, I'll have to play the tape of 2007 World Series hero Jonathan Papelbon being booed off the mound after blowing the lead in game 3 this year. Huston Street just faced the same abuse in Colorado after giving the lead to the Phillies. 95% of sports fans are a fickle, drunken and brutish lot.

The smart money goes with the Yankees, but the Angels are looking mighty tough too and they always play well against A-Roid's team.

Roman, You So Crazy!

2009-10-01T12:47:00.002-04:00

Not since Michael Jackson or Fatty Arbuckle have we seen such an upstanding artist so viciously slandered!

Plus, that guy who said all that stuff about coaching the judge in the case? The guy who was in that movie no one saw or wants to see, the one that supposedly exonerated this filthy old pederast? He admitted he is a liar.

Poor Roman. There are no little girls in prison, but maybe the guys at the LA lockup will find this sorry short-eyes attractive.

Giants Win!

2009-09-28T15:32:00.000-04:00

Carl is happy too.

UFL Game at Citi Field: Rise up from Steerage and live like a King!

2009-09-26T08:35:00.008-04:00

"Please note that, for this game, all premium Citi Field club spaces will be open and accessible for your enjoyment."

This from the clueless, tone-deaf email sent overnight by the Mets. They are apparently having a minor league football game at Citi Field. So people who sit in the Promenade can pay $16 and get into the millionaire parts of the stadium they have not been allowed into all season despite paying through the nose for tickets to watch rodeo clowns impersonate professional baseball players. Sounds like a great deal.

If the Wilpons had any brains or business sense they would apologize to us and let us in for free. Not that I want to go to a wine tasting during a football game anyway. I'll be home watching the Giants that day.

Obese White Men

2009-09-25T09:14:00.008-04:00

Michael Moore hates capitalism so much that it costs $12.50 to go see his latest film in NY. Unless of course you were invited to the opening, which took place in Lincoln Center (a famous home of socialists) or the after-party at a high-priced Soho penthouse.

Does anyone else notice the rank hypocrisy of this bloated oaf, this multi-millionaire socialist who says of Obama "we will be watching you" even though anyone paying attention knew Obama would never stand up to the gigantic corporations of which he is a pawn? Moore, like every other starry-eyed Democrat, voted for Obama, sending his party the message that they can get away with literally anything and still have the support of so-called progressives.

If that doesn't make you wonder about his motives, how about the fact that his biggest funding (like Obama's) comes from the very banks and billionaires he so vociferously attacks in the film?

The man also needs to go on one of those all carrot juice diets for like 5 years if he hopes to live long enough to make another film. Seriously.

In other news, the Durham Bulls are looking for a GM

2009-09-24T10:53:00.012-04:00

As one team official said, "It's not like we're going to finish one or two games out. We've got to get these things fixed."

First off, I love how this unnamed flunkey says "it's not like we're just going to finish one or two out." As if finishing one or two out is just dandy, especially when the team had a huge lead and then surrendered in the final months of both 2007 and 2008. That's kind of like telling the fanbase something like this:

"You remember the past two years? The ones when the team was shamefully disgraced and gave up at the end? Those two finishes were fine by us. Hey, we were only a couple of games out! This year we really sucked though. We have to fix it."

OK, so let's fix things. Where to start? The rumor is that Omar will have one more season to finish what he started. What was it he started again?

Oh yeah, he started out in 2005 saying the New Mets were going to be different. You know, different from, like, the Old Mets, who sucked. Since 2004, what happened?

2005: 83-79, tied for 3rd
2006: 97-65, NL East Champs. Won 1st round of playoffs, lost NLCS to Cardinals
2007: 88-74, 2nd place. Remember how this ended? Blowing a 7.5 game lead?
2008: 89-73, 2nd place. Yeah, you remember.
2009: 66-88 (so far) 4th place

I'd say there is a distinctive curve there. Omar had a win now mentality. 2006 was the year, and they didn't do it. After the embarrassing end to the 07 season Omar and comatose Willie should have been fired. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over but hoping for a different result. The Wilpons are either insane or don't care that they are a laughingstock with the highest payroll in the NL for 5 years running and one playoff appearance to show for it.

The problem is that the roster this mini-brained GM has assembled is not one or two players away from contending again. There are holes there that light and matter would have trouble escaping. For instance:

1 Good starting pitcher. 4 bad ones
1 good infielder. One good hurt one. 1 bad one, one old one who will not repeat this year's performance
one good and hurt outfielder, a few bad ones
one not very good catcher and one bad one

So how do you fill all these holes? You can't. You will not win with this team. They are very bad. You have to build around the four or five good players. It will take years. Omar has left the franchise devastated and the Wilpons gave him an extension!

This will be the third rebuilding project since 1996. At some point you have to ask yourself if Fred and Jeff are dumb as rocks or if they just don't care if they ever win.

Happy Eleventy-First Birthday!

2009-09-22T22:21:00.005-04:00

As my friends from the Green Man Review point out, two folks very dear to our hearts celebrate their birthdays today, the twenty-second of September. So In honor of Frodo and Bilbo Baggins, I am drinking a pint of pumpkin ale. Please do the same, or celebrate in some appropriate Shire-like fashion.

In Honor of the Beatles remasters...

2009-09-21T20:36:00.001-04:00

I give you, my readers, the worst thing you have ever heard:

To the girl who hates that Brooklyn has changed so much

2009-09-12T21:36:00.005-04:00

You are right. New Yorkers hate change and Brooklyn's population has always consisted only of people who grew up here. This city has never welcomed people from away.

Recently Overheard

2009-09-11T00:16:00.002-04:00

A heavyset man in a grey t-shirt said this to his kid in front of a crowd of people:

"Sit down and shut up."

Dramatic pause.

"Before I sell your ass on ebay."

What's the word? Thunderbird!

2009-09-05T11:26:00.006-04:00

Yipeeeeee! For just $75 you can have a glass of Pinot Noir while watching a AAA team get embarrassed in its new billion dollar home!

What else could you buy for $75?

Twelve cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

A lifetime supply of Thunderbird

$75 worth of powerball tickets.

A couple of tanks of gas.

A subway pass for a month.

Three or four hardcover books.

Your electric bill for a month or two.

Dinner for two at Tavern on the Green!

Roaches

2009-09-03T11:22:00.003-04:00

Lots of 'em since we got back from Maine. Not sure if they targeted us because we weren't making any noise, or because some filthy new neighbor moved in.

Happy vermin fact of the day!

There is a difference between the ginormous 'Water bug,' (a roach so big and disgusting it will make you vomit) and the German cockroach, a small little dude who just wants to be loved. Apparently the huge nasty water bugs come from water pipes and such, and are slower. I lifted up a foot locker in our living room to find a huge one staring at me. Too nauseated to speak, I threw an empty cardboard box at Gregor Samsa. Happily, he was already dead, a withered husk of an arthropod, his sad, dessicated body a mere hymn to the vast indifference of the universe.

The German ones could mean a nest of the scuttling, inquisitive little guys writhing behind your wall! They are fast and squirmy and naaaas-ty! They run behind counters and into walls and down doors and such.

Those Germans. How I loathe them and their Germanic ways! Luckily we've seen just one or two since the exterminator came and sprayed his happy, stinking poison all over the place, proving once and for all that humans are superior to bugs.

Classics? Don't be so elitist!

2009-08-31T08:51:00.002-04:00

Fans of the reading workshop say that assigning books leaves many children bored or unable to understand the texts. Letting students choose their own books, they say, can help to build a lifelong love of reading.

Hey, I'm all for leisure reading. Lord knows I do enough of it, and would encourage schools to set aside time for it. But to stop teaching books beacuse they are 'too hard,' or because kids might not understand them is doing a disservice to the kids. It's underestimating them. It's just plain sad.

But what do I know? Captain Underpants is just as good as Alice in Wonderland or Harper Lee. We should stop trying to force our ideas of good writin' onto kids who like video games best. Maybe they should just let kids play Wii all day instead of teaching them how to write and add properly. Because math and readinig ain't fun, and kids might get bored and HATE HATE HATE to read and write if you force 'em to.

The Hagiographers forgot a few things

2009-08-30T17:07:00.003-04:00

...so I thought I would post this link about Kennedy, the anti-union, pro-Nafta, pro-GATT friend of big business. As this piece from Counterpunch points out:

The bar for determining what constitutes a “friend of labor” these days is only inches off the ground. In this period of mourning, let’s remember that political sins are better forgiven than forgotten. The act of forgetting just sets the stage for future failures by labor to hold other allies—including those far less revered -- accountable either.

The Tragic Loss of Mr. Kennedy

2009-08-29T17:34:00.006-04:00

Mr.Kennedy applies his signature move (above); A nation asks who will fill his boots

The 'liberal lion' of the Squared Circle has passed; I was horrified and devastated to hear of the loss of Mr. Kennedy. I'm having a hard time holding back my tears as I watch the motorcade. Will Vince McMahon deliver the eulogy? Never again will he apply the dreaded figure-4 leglock.

Some vacation pictures

2009-08-29T08:44:00.010-04:00

Foggy trail in Lubec.

West Quoddy Head lighthouse.

On the lobster boat.

Mookie was completely stressed and dismayed by all the relaxation. Pictured above, as she dreamed of destroying her human captors.

We had a great time, and were sorry to leave. Mostly we read and kayaked and went for hikes and visited with our good friends. The lobster boat trip was an incredible highlight. We were able to get out on the boat with our friends Jerry and Jan, with Jerry's brother and dad as they hauled in some traps. There is nothing quite like it and it's an experience I won't forget. Next year hopefully we'll be able to stay a bit longer.

Doing things you actually want to do (rather than things you're required to do) makes three weeks go by in a heartbeat. It allows you to clear your head and actually pay attention to what you're doing day by day. Hopefully you can bring some of that back home.

Another Sign of End Times

2009-08-27T09:55:00.003-04:00

New album. Keep your children far away from this creepy old man.

Fat Drunk Dead, A Nation Mourns

2009-08-26T09:57:00.006-04:00

From the NY Times:

He was a Rabelaisian figure in the Senate and in life, instantly recognizable by his shock of white hair, his florid, oversize face, his booming Boston brogue, his powerful but pained stride. He was a celebrity, sometimes a self-parody, a hearty friend, an implacable foe, a man of large faith and large flaws, a melancholy character who persevered, drank deeply and sang loudly. He was a Kennedy.

Whoa! Who is proofreading this purple prose? Sounds like the author is a Kennedy groupie. The good senator was also instantly recognizable for his alcoholism and penchant for driving cars off of bridges, then leaving his mistress to drown. I think that's what they mean by 'large flaws.'

I wonder what the family of Mary Jo Kopechne thinks of all this? She was robbed of the past 40 years of her life. The good Senator then cried on TV and invoked the ghosts of his brothers to get out of it, proving that his acting skills were as formidable as his thirst for whiskey and lust for women other than his wife.

The best thing to happen at Citi Field this year was a former Beatle.

2009-08-20T09:39:00.007-04:00

Mets now 5-0 on days that we are at the game. They just have to win around 39 of their last 40 to make the playoffs. So I was thinking the reasonable thing to do would be to become friends with the huge fat guy in the next section who drinks 15 beers a game and just tough it out with him until the end of September. They win when I'm there, it's just that simple.

Seen on the wall in the bathroom, in gigantic, misshapen, slanting, drunken, black-sharpie ALL CAPS writing:

"F&%$ MATT CAIN!!! $%!*!-a$$ B--- MOTHER!%$@!!!!" (Asterisks and dollar signs mine).

So I guess I was not the only one angry at the man.

Joseph Campell

2009-08-17T14:25:00.003-04:00

Joseph Campbell quote of the day:

"It must be conceded, as a basic principle of our natural history of the gods and heroes, that whenever a myth has been taken literally it has been perverted; but also, reciprocally, whenever it has been dismissed as a mere priestly fraud or sign of inferior intelligence, truth has slipped out the other door."

The mets still suck

2009-08-15T21:10:00.008-04:00

Just returned today. The only baseball I paid attention to was in the background on the radio as I read or worked or sat by the fire. Put the game on in time to see the Mets best player get beaned. Matt Cain deserves to get knocked out--levelled--by a Met player but of course they let him get away with it. Lifeless and shameful. As he left the field he tipped his cap, just disgusting. Hard to care about this club when they have not one iota of self-respect.

It starts with the upper management, as always. The Wilpons are chumps, Minaya continues to make fools of them. The Bernazard soap opera and the ensuing slander of Adam Rubin by the mini-brained GM would be proof enough for anyone on the planet that he is incompetent and must go at once. Bernazard, incidentally, should have been fired ages ago for doing a piss-poor job of developing players, not for embarrassing himself in his faux-rage at Binghamton...what a joke.

Jerry Manuel is starting to make comatose Willie look like Sparky Anderson...laughing as the team loses day after day, shrugging as they get flogged again and again. No accountability in the dugout, and why should there be when the GM has put together a AAA team. Yes they have had injuries but they also have no roster depth, literally no one to fill the void when two of their best players go down.

Then I see video of Shane Victorino getting beer dumped on him...good. That team gets lucky one season, after a hundred or so years of sucking, and they and their fans act like the Yankees. I hope Victorino drowns in it next time, the little punk.

Vacation was great, though. :-)

Let It Be, 7/21

2009-07-23T09:45:00.005-04:00

The best video of the performance that night I could find. A real highlight of the show:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWhtUWUDTQs&feature=related

Plus some Eleanor Rigby for your enjoyment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTS_5c4VRyk&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fuser%2Fgundleok&feature=player_profilepage

Over and out.

Sir Paul

2009-07-22T09:31:00.005-04:00

During last night's festivities at 'The City Fields,' as Sir Paul endearingly called it, there were some really sublime moments. 'Blackbird' was one. 'Here Today,' his moving tribute to John, was beautiful, if you like that sort of thing (which I do), as was 'My Love,' his ode to Linda.

In an event this huge, and this awash in nostalgia, it's easy to lose sight of what a gifted songwriter McCartney is. But when you hear some of his newer work (check out the Fireman, or any of the last 3 albums he put out) you can see he is still one of the best at what he does. He also happens to enjoy putting on a Greatest Hits show that the crowd adores. There were more Beatles classics than anything else; I wonder if he might feel a certain responsibility to do these songs. His band was tight and very, very good.

After playing 'Yesterday' he mentioned that Elvis, Ray Charles, and many others had covered the song. He said that some of them changed the lyrics to "I must've done something wrong,' from 'I did something worng.'

Then he said something very funny: "You think you might have done something wrong? Really? Not 'you did something wrong,' but 'maybe I did, I can't remember, who knows?'"

The crowd roared. His deadpan sense of humor and dry wit came across even through the tyranno-vision TV sets on either side of the stage.

Toward the latter half of the show he did a beautiful version of 'Let it Be,' (a song I love, but one Lennon supposedly hated, sarcastically calling it 'Hark the Angels Come' at the beginning of the record) that had people almost crying, it seemed. This was just after 'A Day in the Life,' a song that still resonates after more than 40 years.

Then he segued into 'Live and Let Die,' complete with fireworks. And right there you had two sides of this man who casts such a huge shadow over all of rock music--a gifted songwriter telling simple tales of love, regret, loss, and hope, and a flamboyant showman who loves to hear girls scream as he plays arena rock.

A great show. He's a master and a class act and I'm glad we got to see him.

Fun with cat viruses!

2009-07-21T15:39:00.010-04:00

The cat we are fostering also apparently has a virus! That's what the vet told us. You might recall that when I last posted about this, t he shelter swore up and down that the cat had been to the vet at least twice and was like, totally healthy ! Or something.

Now it seems that she's totally healthy except for the fact that she's had diarrhea for 6 months. And she has ringworm. Plus she is lethargic and skinny even though she eats like a horse. Also she has this virus. That sounds healthy, no?

The vet was so uninterested she just kind of said, yeah, well the cat has something called fip. A quick google search reveals that 100% of fip cases are fatal! Hooray!

Then we call back and the vet (what a great bedside manner!) says, uh, well, yeah it might not be fip, but just a virus that has a small chance of becoming fip. And it's highly contagious. Not like she cares if we have other cats or anything.

So somehow the people who fostered this poor little beast never cared enough to find out why she had been crapping her brains out for months on end. Or they cared so little they didn't take her to the vet. Or the vet they took her to is doing stuff pro bono and couldn't care less what is wrong with the cat. Or some fun combination of all these things.

Plus the shelter people want us to keep taking the cat to a vet that is an hour train ride from home each way. And she'll have to get constant checkups. Did I mention the four daily doses of medicine? Or the cat baths? Because those are awesome too.

What have we learned? That it is bad form to piss off people who are trying to do something nice for your shelter, and for a homeless cat. I'd like somehow to give violent diarrhea to the people who fostered this puss before we did.

I Read the News Today, Oh Boy...

2009-07-16T09:55:00.005-04:00

Listening to the Beatles a bit lately, as Paul McCartney is coming to NY. Haven't decided yet whether to go but I've never seen him and it might be worth the expense. I was doing some poking around for books about them and came upon a collection of essays. The chapter titles below sound as if they could suck every bit of enjoyment and whimsy out of this great band. But hey, if you want to analyze Sgt. Peppers or Revolver or Rubber Soul as if they're the Rosetta stone or the Dead Sea Scrolls, knock yourself out. Maybe you'll get tenure out of it too. Try to see if you can guess which ones I invented and which are real in the comments!

1) Sgt. Pepper and the diverging aesthetics of Lennon and McCartney

2) Quarrymen and Savage Young Beetles: A Reconsideration of the Early Work

3) The Beatles’ psycheclassical synthesis: psychedelic classicism and classical psychedelia in Sgt. Pepper

4) Through the Glass Onion, Through the Looking Glass: The Beatles at the end of the millennium

5) Tangerine trees and marmalade skies: cultural agendas or optimistic escapism?

6) Who is the Walrus?: The Postmodern Bildungsroman and the Lennon/McCartney Oeuvre

You'll never eat a gyro again...

2009-07-15T12:41:00.004-04:00

...after you read how they're made. Almost as disgusting as McDonald's. I like how they call the ingredients 'beef and lamb trimmings' in the article below. So are the 'trimmings' ears and snouts and kneecaps and such, or maybe just bladders and hooves? Who knows!

The process starts with boxes of raw beef and lamb trimmings, and ends with what that looks like oversized Popsicles the shade of a Band-Aid. In between, the meat is run through a four-ton grinder, where bread crumbs, water, oregano and other seasonings are added. A clumpy paste emerges and is squeezed into a machine that checks for metal and bone. (“You can never be too careful,” Mr. Tomaras said.) Hydraulic pressure — 60 pounds per square inch — is used to fuse the meat into cylinders, which are stacked on trays and then rolled into a flash freezer, where the temperature is 20 degrees below zero.

Wise Justices and Scared Honkies

2009-07-15T09:44:00.009-04:00

The following is a transcript from the Senate hearings on Judge Sotomayor:

Sen Hatch: Is is true that this woman dares to be non-white? That she is a...a...woman? And Hispanic? I'm outraged! Why, isn't there a white middle aged man somewhere who looks and thinks just like me who could do a better job?

Sotomayor: It's all true. I'm not white. Plus I am wise. The wise part is the important part though.

Sen. Graham: The reason I'm so angry, the reason that I am in fact snarling at you right now is that you judges think abortion is so great. Plus you're sitting there smirking at me and you're a woman. The Latina part doesn't bother me so much, but I didn't even know females were allowed to be judges. Where I come from I don't believe we permit that sort of thing. It's against the laws of God and nature. But times are changin', I guess.

Sen Leahy: I just want to say, for the record, that Senator Hatch is the biggest ass I've ever met in my life. I want posterity to note that he is an insufferable twit with a potato face who couldn't get elected as dog-catcher outside of Utah.

Hatch: Now, I take exception to that. I have been an ass my whole life. I've been an ass as a Senator for decades now. You might remember what an ass I was during Clarence Thomas' hearings. And if that bothered the voters of Utah, they would have voted me out. I'm proud of my record of being a small-minded, nasty twit and so are my constituents.

Sen Schumer: (choking up) I just want to say--sniff, sniff--how touched I am by all this. The judge is, oh gosh, she's from New York. Just a fine American and a Bronx person too. I hope the voters of New York--especially the wise Hispanic ones--will remember this when I'm up for re-election.

And the tragilarious farce continues...

Ursula K. LeGuin

2009-07-13T10:52:00.006-04:00

My review of Ursula K. LeGuin's Lavinia is up at Green Man Review. There is great stuff there all the time, and new reviews every couple of weeks. The editor must have liked my review, since they gave it an Excellence in Writing award. It was certainly unexpected and nice of them.

I'm reading Joseph Campbell right now and enjoying it very much. I tried to read him when I was a wee lad and I think it went over my head. The Hero With a Thousand Faces is a great book that should be required reading if you enjoy fantasy and myth, or if you want a better understanding of mythology and religion. The similarities between different religions are quite revelatory and might change the way you think about the world.

You know things are bad...

2009-07-09T09:15:00.002-04:00

When the $12 million dollar/year pitcher returns after a possibly fake injury, pitches five innings, walks seven batters, and everyone treats it as some Willis-Reed-like comeback. He is a marginal major league pitcher who once again demonstrated that he is not worth even half what Omar Minaya gave him. I like him a lot--Perez is funny and a strange character, but he's also about as solid as the Titanic.

A funny game. At least this season we will weed out the people coming to Shea who are just interested in a new stadium. Soon the only fans left will be the same people there in the late 70s and early 90s...which is to say almost no one aside from church and little league groups, plus my dad and a carload of sugar-crazed kids hoping to one day be like John Stearns or Lee Mazzilli. (Each of them, incidentally, with a Rawlings baseball glove, nursing a delusion that they would catch a foul pop even though they were sitting in the upper deck, approximately nine million feet from home plate.)

What Would Mookie Do?

2009-07-08T11:53:00.003-04:00

WWMD?

Mookie sez: "I will kill you slowly, and no one will hear your screams."

Loan Shark of the Soul

2009-07-07T10:55:00.004-04:00

So, would you give your immortal soul for a loan?

"If they don't give it back, what can you do? They won't have a soul, that's all," he told Reuters in a basement office, with one desk, a computer and three chairs.

I don't know how you feel about it, but I think I'd have a hard time explaining to God that I defaulted on my soul for a measly $500.

McNamara Dead

2009-07-06T16:22:00.003-04:00

Robert McNamara is dead. He was reviled by many critics, and hated even after he wrote his memoir, in which he detailed the hubris of Vietnam.

It's very easy to make snide comments about him. What's harder is to watch a movie like 'The Fog of War,' the documentary made about him a few years back, and understand that the mistakes of Vietnam could have been made by anyone. In fact, they continue today. His public contrition and remorse do count for something, despite what people are saying about him.

One more thing!

2009-07-02T16:16:00.003-04:00

Yes, I am posting a lot today.

As hard as this is to believe, I don't think the person on the other end of the email exchange below understands that I was being sarcastic. Wow.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

2009-07-02T12:54:00.021-04:00

So we've been fostering a cat for the past two weeks. She has been sickly the whole time we've had her. The people at the shelter told us she was a little under the weather and needed special food, which we gave her. She was not getting better, so Krissy took her to the vet today. The diagnosis (from the vet who apparently enjoys yelling at patients): ringworm.

Now, forget for a minute that the shelter told us she was a healthy but homeless cat. Forget that they told us she had just had a checkup at the vet. Forget that Krissy has a good heart and has been volunteering there for over a year and this is how they repay her. The buffoons at the shelter have put us and our cat at risk for ringworm. Not to mention the fact that the poor cat we fostered needed medical help before we got her. I'm so angry I'm ready to explode right now. I just sent this message to the shelter:

To whom it may concern:

I wanted to express my thanks to you for allowing us to foster a cat that has ringworm without letting us know in advance. It's so outrageous and irresponsible that words can't really convey how appalled I am.

My wife Kristine has donated her time and energy to your shelter for close to a year, and this was an excellent way to repay her good faith.

Yours, Chris Tuthill

So what good is this shelter really doing? They have like 10 cats in a room the size of a broom closet and all of them are likely too sick to be adopted, if this cat is any indication. The sheer stupidity is astounding.

Update!

The shelter person wrote back. She didn't apologize, but said they never give out cats with ringworm. (So I guess I gave it to her?) Plus she just went to the vet and had a clean bill of health and who knows where she got sick anyway? Besides, ringworm is 'only a fungus' and it's 'very hard to get.' (NB: Maybe not that hard, since the fucking cat has it!) Then she offers to come and treat the cat and bring beer (since she implies it helps to have a few after dealing with the cat treatment, which involves a CAT BATH!--fun, huh?)

I feel like saying HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST BRINGING BEER INTO MY HOME!! MY CAT, MOOKIE, IS A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC!

Instead, since I am usually a nice guy, I write back:

There is absolutely no chance she got ringworm at our apartment. I understand it is a fungus. It should be a lot of fun treating her and our other cat. I know that the volunteers work hard, I just don't really believe this cat had a checkup just before we got her, as we were told.

Then she says:

Tish did see a vet, she came from a hoarder's house in January, for the protection of any other cats she is around she got tested for fiv and felv. I doubt she got the ringworm at your house but it probably was dormant, or she could pick it up at a vet's office or an adoption event.
With digestive problems, as you may know cats stomachs are SO sensitive, every little thing effects them. And as Kristine knows we ask all our fosters that if a foster cat becomes sick they contact us first and then we send them to our vet. Fosters are NOT to incur any extreme extra costs.

Well, ain't that special of them? They give us a cat with ringworm and we don't even have to pay the vet bill!

In sum:

1) The cat saw a vet, you jerk. In January. You know, seven months ago.

2) Ringworm is no big deal.

3) OK, for cats it's a big deal, but not that big a deal.

4) Maybe she got it at your apartment and not the filthy, 10' x 12' shelter where 10 cats live.

5) Cat diarrhea for 14 days is like totally normal and stuff.

I wrote back:

I am glad this cat got a clean bill of health. She had the spot on her nose (which the vet called ringworm) when we got her. So again, I find it very difficult to believe she had just been to the vet, as we were told.

Update 2!!!

She writes back saying:

she had a check up when she came to us in January.

But I am not letting this go, because she keeps trying to shift the blame to me instead of simply apologizing. So I say:

OK, that explains it. The person who gave us the cat made it sound as if there were no problems and she'd just had a checkup. The vet visit was 7 months ago.

She says:

--- said she just took her to the vet for her digestive problem. So that was recent.

Recent like 8 months ago or two years ago? Who knows?!!!

so I write back:

Thanks! Glad to hear it.

THE END

Stuart Smalley Claims Victory, Is Good and Smart Enough for Minnesotans

2009-07-01T07:32:00.005-04:00

Stuart Smalley goes to Washington.

"Smalley is an embarrassment to the great state of Minnesota," Senator Arlen Specter (D-PA) said. "From his wussified sweaters to his limp-wristed, feel-good, whiny sermonizing, he makes me sick. And he is not good or smart enough for this legislative body." Specter reeled off a string of obscenities when asked if he would work with Smalley on the Senate Armed Services committee. "What's more," Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar said, "People don't like him, no matter what he says."

Smalley defeated Gumby, Beldar Conehead, and bitter rival Homey the Clown in a hotly contested battle for the seat that lasted 8 months. With the court wrangling over, Smalley is eager to get to work. In a prepared statement, Smalley said he was "Gratified that the voters of Minnesota have elected me. I deserve good things. I refuse to beat myself up. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I am an attractive person, and I am fun to be with."

That Guy Dead at 50: A Nation Mourns

2009-06-29T09:28:00.014-04:00

Billy Mays, that guy who sold oxi-clean and orange-glo, is dead at 50. Spontaneous clean-offs were held at public spaces throughout the country as a nation came to grips with his tragic loss.

"I feel like part of me has died," mourner Jake Delfazio said outside New York's Museum of Housekeeping, as he and a group of approximately 100 fans scrubbed the steps and edifice of the building in remembrance of the icon of home cleansers. "He meant so much to us all. I mean, no one could pitch Zorbeez like him. That Shamwow guy is a freaking poseur."

A memorial service is scheduled for Tuesday on the great lawn in Central Park, and will be telecast live via satellite around the globe. City officials expect up to half a million people to attend. The Tidy Bowl Man will perform and there are rumors that Mays mentor Mr. Clean will end his self-imposed exile of the past 15 years to give the eulogy.

Sad

2009-06-25T22:26:00.002-04:00

So Michael Jackson is dead. Little boys throughout Southern California can rest easy.

What a bizarre and screwed up man. Abuse begets abuse, and yet all people seem to do is sing his praises--he was a fine singer and dancer, after all, and if his mental illness destroyed a few young lives, well, wasn't the spectacle worth it?

And the news cycle is fed for another few hours--from the infidelity of a scumbucket governor to the death of Charlie's Angels to the end of Mad Mike.

Shockingly, Nixon Was a Terrible Human Being

2009-06-24T10:10:00.004-04:00

On Nixon Tapes, Ambivalence on Abortion, Not Watergate

Thank heavens someone has the strength to bring this horrible man to justice. To shed light on his dark and terrible legacy. The fierce warriors of the press once again lift the scales from our eyes and show us truths we would be otherwise unable to accept. Richard Nixon is a terrible person in so many ways it beggars reason.

What's that you say? Nixon is dead? Has been for fifteen years? Silly me.

I like how newspapers are still patting themselves on the back for bringing down a corrupt politician 36 years ago. It might have been nice had the Times or any other news agency actually shown some courage in the face of a living President in this generation. Like, say, President Bush, who they completely supported in the runup to an illegal, immoral invasion of a foreign country. Remember that? Back in 2003 the NY Times was as hungry for war as Fox News.

We are at war with Iraq. We have always been at war with Iraq.

Twitter is the Greatest

2009-06-24T09:58:00.005-04:00

If you thought facebook was awesome, now you can tell people what you are doing in a single sentence. Like these posts:

Taking out the trash.

Going to get some groceries.

Just posted to my blog.

Eating an apple and it is a golden apple of the sun.

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

Isn't this amazing? I am so glad twitter is here. Without it, you might not know what incredibly boring things your casual acquaintances are up to all day.

Even better, you can subscribe to celebrity tweets--pretend you're friends with the stars! Go ahead, inject some fun into your sad, meaningless existence by reading about the mundane details of Oprah Winfrey's day.

Greatest Library Video Ever

2009-06-23T13:41:00.007-04:00

Happy Bloomsday

2009-06-16T07:56:00.004-04:00

Vladimir Nabokov once said that the purpose of storytelling is “to portray ordinary objects as they will be reflected in the kindly mirrors of future times; to find in the objects around us the fragrant tenderness that only posterity will discern and appreciate in far-off times when every trifle of our plain everyday life will become exquisite and festive in its own right: the times when a man who might put on the most ordinary jacket of today will be dressed up for an elegant masquerade.”

This is the function of books — we learn how to live even if we weren’t there. Fiction gives us access to a very real history. Stories are the best democracy we have. We are allowed to become the other we never dreamed we could be.

In celebration of Bloomsday, Colum McCann, the Irish author, wrote a nice article about Joyce, Ulysses, his grandfather, and the purpose of fiction. If you haven't read the book, (or if you have), today is a good day to start.

Valentine reunion with Mets isn't far-fetched

2009-06-12T23:52:00.002-04:00

Valentine reunion with Mets isn't far-fetched

Interesting article about Bobby V--as I mentioned in the post below, I thought he was great and would love to see him back.

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Wow

2009-06-12T23:15:00.003-04:00

That dropped pop fly sums up the past three years pretty well, I think. If I were Fred Wilpon I'd start by firing Omar, then the coaches, then every member of the front office, every scout, then every player except David Wright, Carlos Beltran, Jose Reyes, Johan Santana, and Francisco Rodriguez. Then I would fire myself. Bring in Bobby Valentine and make him ichiban. Samurai warrior of the Mets: owner, manager, and gm.

The chances of this happening are better than the chances of this team staying in the race this summer. Right now Jerry Manuel is doing a great Art Howe impersonation on the radio. "We gotta go out and get 'em tomorrow," he said. Hilarious.

Mordor in our Midst

2009-06-11T09:09:00.002-04:00

So one of the thugs in the state legislature wants some more power:

Hiram Monserrate of Jackson Heights, one of two Democrats who helped Republicans recapture the Senate on Monday, said he secured 24 hours to woo more Democrats to the new majority.

He is under intense pressure from the Rev. Al Sharpton and party stalwarts to desert the new Senate leadership.

Sources also said Monserrate wants a plum post. He lost a committee chairmanship and stipend after being indicted on charges of slashing his girlfriend with a broken glass last December. If Monserrate is convicted of a felony, he would be barred from office.

That this swine is not already locked up is beyond absurd. Only in New York do we allow girlfriend-slashing sociopaths to be in charge. Digraceful and repugnant.

Instead of merely being barred from office, we should boil this man in oil, or tar and feather him. Maybe then people would understand that violence against women cannot be tolerated in civilized nations.

Be There AND Be Square

2009-06-10T16:27:00.005-04:00

I'm counting the days:

http://www.theradiocitylotrconcert.com/

Like three Christmases and five birthdays all on one night. Howard Shore and a cast of hundreds will perform the score as the film plays on the biggest screen ever. So I'll forget my quibbles with the script and be be there in my Strider outfit. Elendil!

Gene Wolfe on Tolkien

2009-06-09T14:54:00.005-04:00

I found this great essay about Tolkien by Gene Wolfe. He describes Tolkien's influence on him and discusses why Tolkien's work is so beloved and important. Among other things, he says:

Terry Brooks has often been disparaged for imitating Tolkien, particularly by those reviewers who find his books inferior to Tolkien's own. I can say only that I wish there were more imitators -- we need them -- and that all imitations of so great an original must necessarily be inferior.

There is a lot of wisdom and greatness in Tolkien's work. I've been thinking of re-reading them this summer and this essay convinced me. It's interesting to read Wolfe's kind comments about Brooks as well, since I was a big fan of the Shannara books as an adolescent, hungry as I was for books similar to Tolkien's.

Wolfe's own fantasy is pretty amazing in its own right. I recently read 'The Sword of the Lictor,' book three of his 'Book of the New Sun' series, set millions of years from now on Earth. He's an excellent writer and worth reading.

If I do re-read The Lord of the Rings it will make the fifth time I've read it. I would have read them more often, but it I've found they can make for a daunting journey. They are so close to the heart that at times they feel difficult. They're still the best things I've ever read and I'm looking forward to diving back into Middle Earth.

Seven Turns, by The Allman Brothers Band

2009-06-08T14:48:00.003-04:00

A beautiful song for your Monday afternoon.

I Feel Your Pain

2009-06-08T08:36:00.009-04:00

Poor kids, forced to labor in Dickensian workhouses. And at the tender age of 27! My favorite quote is this one:

Luis Illades, an owner of the Urban Rustic Market and Cafe on North 12th Street, said he had seen a steady number of applicants, in their late 20s, who had never held paid jobs: They were interns at a modeling agency, for example, or worked at a college radio station. In some cases, applicants have stormed out of the market after hearing the job requirements.

“They say, ‘You want me to work eight hours?’ ” Mr. Illades said.

I can relate. Once, long ago, I had a trust fund too. It lasted for about 13 years, and paid all my expenses: rent, food, education, entertainment, you name it. Then I turned 13 and during the awful summer of 1987 I was forced to get a part-time job. It was terrible. For 12 or so hours every week, I pulled weeds at a local nursery. Careful not to uproot the flowers I was sworn to protect, I would instead wreak havoc on dandelions, morning-glories, and other unwanted vegetation. Often I was bit by mosquitoes. Sometimes I caused more damage to the shrubs than the $4 per hour I earned.

This was nothing compared to the terrors that awaited me when I turned 14. I worked even longer hours, sometimes close to 20 per week, washing dishes and busing tables.

The nightmare of 40 hour weeks began later at the local golf course and has not yet abated. I was still a wee lad, but wise to the ways of earning coin. I watered greens and maimed turf whilst speeding around in golf carts for the princely sum of $5.25 per hour. Later I got a raise after proving I was less of an idiot than I appeared.

It all goes to show that you, too, can hold a job. You CAN pay rent. You WILL make a difference (or at least pay a phone bill). Even if daddy can't help you anymore, and even if your band is a failure.

In new stadium, Mets can't shed their ghosts - Jeff Pearlman - SI.com

2009-06-07T13:24:00.002-04:00

From Sports Illustrated's Jeff Pearlman comes this critical and honest look at the Mets.

In new stadium, Mets can't shed their ghosts - Jeff Pearlman - SI.com

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Sorry, Metsblog, but the Mets Stink

2009-06-07T10:36:00.008-04:00

Nice to see that metsblog, now owned and marketed by SNY (and the Wilpons, by association) no longer allows comments criticizing the team and its management.

It's too bad, since it used to be a lively site. Now they are basically another arm of the SNY/Wilpon propaganda machine. They can't allow criticism, since after all, "No one likes a smartypants." In other words, have the Mets been a catastrophic failure for the past three seasons? Are they an embarrassment yet again? Is there no accountability anywhere in the organization? Is Omar Minaya a fraud, and do his players back down and give up at the first hint of any adversity?

Don't be a smarty-pants, mister. They just have had some tough luck. And some injuries. For decades now.

Last night during the game there were 16 comments. Before the new system such a terrible loss would easily have had hundreds--sometimes over a thousand people saying what a joke the team is. 16 fans now comment on how they are having a rough day and will go out and get 'em tomorrow.

They keep posting about how great it was that Carlos Beltran showed "fire" by saying how good the Mets are and how they should have beat the Pirates. It makes me laugh, since all the Met players say this after every game. They get embarrassed, then say "We cannot allow this kind of play. This should never have happened. We are a great team." Only people employed by the NY Mets, or fans too ignorant to see how mediocre this team really is, could take a statement like that seriously.

Last night, Emil Brown (I don't know who he is either) ran past Luis Castillo on his way to second for an automatic out. Even Keith Hernandez, the Met broadcaster, could not believe his eyes, and said he had never seen something so ridiculous in his decades of baseball. The team is a laughingstock.

Friday Fun

2009-06-05T14:33:00.002-04:00

Tairy Greene's Acting Seminar for Children

Can Someone Send Me Some of What Beltran is Smoking?

2009-06-04T22:17:00.012-04:00

"We’re better than them, and we know we’re better than them. But, we have to do something about it. McLouth wasn’t here and they still came out and scored 11 runs. 11 runs? We have to play better."

--Carlos Beltran, on being swept by Pittsburgh

Here is the problem: you 'know' you are better than them, even though they kicked your butt all over the field and embarrassed the hell out of you. My question: How do you know you are better than the Pirates? Because they field, pitch, hit and run the bases better than you? Carlos, you are not better than them; they just swept you out of town.

We've heard this baloney since their failure in the 2006 playoffs. It's repeated ad nauseam by everyone from the Wilpons to Minaya to Carlos "I'm so good I get bored" Delgado.

You are what your record says you are. The Mets are not very good, and have not been very good dating back to the second half of 2006. They are not better than the Pirates. Yet they love to fantasize about how good they are. It's pitiful and delusional. They remind me of this kid I knew in school who believed, despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, that he was the next William Faulkner and Ernest Hemingway rolled into one.

Anyone with a brain can see that this team sucks, big time. The Wilpons think everything is great though, since they have a new park. Omar is so stupid he still thinks this is a championship team. There is no accountability anywhere in the organization. Harry Truman had a saying: "The buck stops here." The Mets slogan should be "It's everyone else's fault."

To make things worse, we find out today that Reyes tore his hamstring in a rehab game. Only this organization lets something that idiotic happen. The NY Mets : making baseball look impossible since 1962.

Inebriates and the People Who Loathe Them

2009-06-04T07:47:00.012-04:00

Now that it's almost summertime the drunks are out in force. Yesterday at the laundromat this fat drunk guy kept leering at a poor girl in the corner.

"Lookit you," he said, smiling happily. "I like you." He could barely stand. Charming.

Then a young tattooed kid cursed him out and threatened him, because apparently the drunk had touched him.

"Don't touch me again! I'll f--- you up," young Mr. Tough Guy said. He had a lot of arm tattoos, which I think means he is either very, very tough, or a member of an indigenous group. But he looked pretty white, so I'm guessing he didn't go through a tribal ritual.

"Well, do what you have to," said the drunk, cheerfully.

Outside another drunk sat on the stoop, bleary eyed and staring into space. In the park they wobble along and scream incoherently or lay in pools of their own filth beside boom boxes blaring "Everrrrybody Muuuuust Get Stoned!"

If you venture into a restaurant, the more well-to-do class of drunk can be observed at the bar, loudly screeching and yelping; they live with the unfortunate delusion that the whole world loves them and thinks they and their drunkenness are hilarious.

Which all brings me to this:

The ultimate in speakeasy mystification takes place at PDT (Please Don’t Tell) on St. Marks Place in the East Village. Patrons have to enter through Crif Dogs, the hip hot dog place, then step into a phone booth and identify themselves by speaking into the receiver. A buzzer opens a secret door, revealing a strange, twilight world where artisanal cocktails are consumed under the watchful eyes of a stuffed jackelope and raccoon, and a bear wearing a bowler hat.

Personally I love the idea of drunks going into hiding. Every last one of them should. Then only other drunks would have to deal with them.

Terminator Salivation

2009-05-31T18:07:00.007-04:00

John Connor is angry. I mean, angrrrrrrry. He is so angrified he speaks in a low grunting growl for two hours. He says a bunch of stuff like, "We have the future and the past in our hands," and "Fuck you, you terminator," and "I'll be back." He blows lots of stuff up, and grimaces and gets angrier in every scene.

Then there is this other guy who is a terminator but he doesn't know it but he used to be a bad guy and now he wants to be a good guy. With heart. A human heart. Because it is important to be human. Or something.

Then there is a twenty minute scene with a thirty foot tall terminator robot, which was totally awesome. The terminator who thinks he is human blows it up with a tow truck and a flying motorcycle. Another twenty minutes with a snake terminator strapped to a table and people saying angrily "If we can kill it, this changes everything." They do kill it, but alas, it doesn't change everything.

Next the terminator finds out he is a terminator and is all like "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" And is really, really mad. John Connor is even madder. Chekhov from the new Star Trek shows up and John Connor knows it's his dad even though Checkhov is 14 and he is like 35.

Around this time the four year old girl in my row was crying. I almost was too, because so many people were so angry. And they blew up so many terminators. But it wasn't over yet, because the writers and directors had a quota of at least five million explosions for this movie.

Finally the general says, "John Connor, you are a rogue and a rebel and crazy." John Connor says, "I may be a crazy blower-upper of stuff, but I'm also human. I used to be Batman. And plus I get results, you fucking dumb general!!!!!"

Then, like in a few other terminator movies I've seen, there are even louder and bigger explosions. You know the end is coming because the explosions get much longer and much louder and everyone is even MORE ANGRRRRRRRRRRRRY!!! Then Governor Schwarzennegger comes in and makes a policy speech about fossil fuels and tries to kill John Connor.

But the story isn't over, because like John Connor says, this was just one battle and there will be twenty more movies with bigger and bigger explosions and conflagrations and plotholes and time travel paradoxes until skynet is finally destroyed in a five-hour extravaganza explosion coming to your multiplex in 2018, which is the year in which Skynet achieved consciousness.

See it or you are the biggest loser ever.

The Best and the Brightest

2009-05-30T10:56:00.004-04:00

We saw a good one last night--they almost blew it but Omir Santos came through twice to win it in the 11th. The subs are playing great and looking good right now in spite of Omar Minaya.

A lot of people get drunk at these games--baseball fans are not always the best and brightest. There's one oversized goon in a section nearby who looks like Jabba the Hutt. He chugs a beer every inning or so to the great delight of the cheering dummies around him. He looked almost dead by the 8th inning. Sitting near them might be a good way to scare your youngster straight.

Then there are the people who boo David Wright. I don't know what to say about this except they should probably just lobotomize themselves and get it over with. (They are slowly doing this with alcohol anyway; some of them seem to understand nothing about the game except that it is a place to drink and shout.) David Wright is the best player the team has. Yes, he had a rough night. He is still their best player. Cursing him for his failure is about as dumb as it gets. The fat doofus behind us who was railing against him in the 8th left before the game was over, presumably because they stopped selling beer.

Home

2009-05-27T16:52:00.001-04:00

Just returned home and heard daddy admonishing little Maxwell, who was throwing a tantrum in the street. I almost asked where his silver hammer was.

Mookie Hates You

2009-05-21T18:56:00.003-04:00

She spends lots of time lounging about on her back, like some decadent Roman emperor. I should have named her Messalina or Agrippina:

Puttin' her paws in the air like she don't care.